The Hipster Vampire

A short story by Valley Lizard

Emily dozed off in the warm sunshine, despite her vampiric affliction. She was safe because, like always, she wore SPF 100 sunscreen and took a parasol wherever she went. No one knew about her vampirism. Well, except maybe her roommate, but she was probably joking. She told her boyfriend, Roger, who thought it was a sexy nickname. It’s not as if she tried to hide it. Everyone could see how pale her skin was and how often stayed up late. People these days just thought it was normal for a young IT professional like her. The thing which really threw people off was her favourite colour will always be pink. She always wore at least a little bit of pink even to funerals. Emily also wore the sweetest lolita fashion imaginable.

With a long life comes a large wardrobe collection and a lot of money. This was the main reason why no one believed Emily was a vampire. Why would she wear such cute rabbit, strawberry and/or ice-cream prints if she were a vampire?

Her fashion sense was perhaps influenced by being born in the year 1799 in London. Between then and 2020 she lived in a variety of countries using various names. Her favourite name is: Emily Elizabeth Regina Richards the First. A tad long, however she liked to feel important. Emily wasn’t born into an important family. Her mother was a prostitute since it was her mother’s only way to make money. From a young age Emily roamed London’s streets pick-pocketing whoever she could. One day she was caught by a handsome pale man who adopted her as his own. It was he who gave her the name: Emily Elizabeth Regina Richards the First. While he was like a father to her, he treated her like his many other maids and butlers.

He lived in a big house, so Emily often went unnoticed. She would often pretend to dust the library while she taught herself to read. One day when she was reading out loud, her master discovered her – and instead of killing her, like he did to other incompetent servants, he bit her. Emily was so shocked she cried out. She barely felt it because all her life she’d been used to pain. After removing his fangs he asked her:

“Do you understand what just happened?”

“No, master.”

“You will, but you are no longer merely a maid. Lily will show you to your new room and help you choose some new clothes to wear.”

Lily was his favourite maid. She was like a mother to all the other maids and butlers in the household. She took Emily to what seemed like heaven. Everything sparkled with pink, gold or silver paint perhaps even real gold leaf. Emily’s new clothes were much more rich and feminine. She however was sick of wearing dresses, especially since she’d started to become a rebellious teenager. She requested Lily provide trousers in pink with rabbits on them. To Emily’s teenage mind she thought she’d requested the impossible, however as soon as the words left her mouth Lily ordered one of the smallest, fastest maids to place an order for pink, rabbit covered trousers at the tailors. Lily proceeded to appologise for the lack of rabbits on the one pair of pink trousers she could find. Emily was too shocked they even had pink pants to be annoyed.

When her tailored outfit arrived she wore them proudly with a wine red shirt, which was also provided for her. Emily now had the power to order the other servants around. The very first thing she ordered them to do was to teach her to read and write. Soon she began to read books without pictures with complicated words. She also began to read cookbooks and therefore ordered extravagant food for every meal of the day (and night). She even ordered the chef to teach her to cook too. Soon Emily was baking, frying, grilling and stewing a variety of dishes. Before she knew it ten years, then one hundred years and even one thousand years passed.

It seemed to Emily nothing ever changed. There were wars, new fashions, new diseases and new food, but it all continued in a cycle. Even in 2020 they were bringing back fashions from thousands of years ago. Wars were still being fought about similar things to thousands of years ago. There was even a new virus spreading throughout the world.

It almost bored Emily, but in fact it amused her. The one thing which never changed was her unsuccessful love life.

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